This record, it's a shame to say, could have been - if not a classic - really fucking good. Like, really good. There are a number of reasons, numbers being one of the main ones - at 19 tracks deep, this is just too much. 'Illmatic' had, what was it, nine? 19 is silly. What happens is, you get a few really hot tracks, actual, fully formed, whole songs... and fucking loads of wack ones. Straight wack! It is a pain on the ears, so it is. Anyway, that could have been avoided. But the man in charge is a child of the new age of rap. And he is the reason that Obie Trice's debut comes out making wee gassy fart flames, like a dead lighter, when it should be blazing. It is all Eminem's fault.

Eminem has gone a bit fucking mad, basically. He is crazy and paranoid and POWER MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like Hitler (not in that way, Benzino), or Tom's mate Jerry, or MC Tony Blizzair, or Alex from Crashland (HAHAHAHA!). Just because he signed him, Eminem seems to think he has the right to produce the vast majority of the album, rap all over it, decide the subject matter of most of the songs, sing the hooks, write the hooks... Jesus, svengali! What's the deal? You were, you know, a hot little white kid spitting sick shit! You are not fuckin' Dr. Dre. Chill out.

Like we said, most of the record bears Em's production stamp, which means most of it isn't too good, 'cos production isn't Eminem's forte just yet. So stuff like the opener, 'Average Man' - distinctly average gangsta posturing over distinctly average beats, and all the Fifty collabos - really bog the record down. It's like they sat down at Shady Towers and said, right, we need lots of nasty, thugged tracks, 'cos that's what all the 50 fans will be wanting. Wrong move. Fuck the Fifty fans- Obie could have reached out to a whole new crowd - the uncles.

Cos Obie's no thug. He is, as he said, the average man. He's a bloke - he likes to chase the ladies and drink beer and piss about and crack jokes. This noble sentiment doesn't come into play 'till track three, one of the few Dope Eminem Productions, with Obie coasting on a nice breezy flow about getting pissed and pulling ladies. And while the chorus lifts the 'Without Me' pattern directly, all the "hopefully she got some teeth" jokes pull it through, delivered as they are with that rare rap commodity - warmth.

Something Eminem lost time ago. That chip on his shoulder's just grown, and he lets his poison infect poor jolly Obie's shit so what should be ill is just poorly.. and poorly executed to boot. So much lady hating! 'Lady', 'The Setup' (a strangely subdued Dre joint, saved by Nate Dog's genius), 'Bad Bitch' (average Timbaland beat, average Obie moaning some heavy metal shit), 'Hoodrats', a truly despicable sentiment - Obie's basically dissing all the girls he grew up with, like, 'fuck you , I'm big now, I live in the suburbs'. "She's a model, you're my late night ho," goes the Eminem penned hook.

'Hands On You' - another Eminem I AM HARD and SO IS MY PRODUCTION thing - is, apparently, meant to redress the balance. Cop Obie and Em getting mad serious and gangsta about their prospective females. Cop Eminem crooning the hook: "If you promise to be true/I will never put my hands on you". That's the hook! Is that a threat? Shit!

And when they're not hating on the ladies, they're hating on the fellas. Obie's debut is used more than twice to continue the 50 Cent/Ja Rule beef, and Obie himself barely gets a look in. 'We All Die One Day' is one of a bunch of 50 tunes that should, maybe, have stayed on the 50 album. A kind of weird hook, (50 says "care" like, keh-ur, sort of effeminately) and his G Unit buddy Lloyd Banks drops some bad (meaning rubbish) verse about how "you" suck cos "you" don't have a TV on your plane. All this misdirected anger! Jesus. Eminem's verse is pretty poor also. Same flows he's been using for the past two years… "We are not killers, but we'll have you shot though," he spits, gaily, then drops the classic, "this is no joke, I don't smoke/ but I toke enough second hand to make my fuckin P.O. choke/ I'm an OG, you're fuckin with a GI Joe... I'm a psycho, Mariah ain't got shit on me." Like, dude! You're 31! Stop acting like you're this bratty teenager! You're not! Grow old with dignity!

As for 50, he's taking the fucking piss: "I watch gansta flicks and root for the bad guy/ and turn it off before it ends cause the bad guy die/ if you trying to buy guns I'm the nigga to look to/ so what they got bodies on 'em, they still look new."

WHAT?!!!!

And crime of crimes, the very rare Dre appearance, on the album's really nice Dre beat, is RUIN-ED! The opportunity for a FUN JOINT is just used as another excuse to diss Ja Rule and Co and drag out all that Tupac was my mate not yours crap. Dude! It's kind of funny to hear Dre spit, "niggas ain't on the mike and they ain't even emcees" but it's not enough. Eminem on the hook again: "What you gonna do when shit hits the fan/are you gonna stand and fight like a man... or are you gonna run and get your bodyguards". BORING!!!! Obie, who this has nothing to do with this could have used this to squash the bullshit beef, but no, he's adding petrol to the fire, threatening to pot people in hospital. But I suppose he has to doesn't he, if he wants his album out at all. The Boss Says So. Dear dear.

But like we said, there's some really nice stuff on here. Obie is, underneath all Eminem's bullshit, a nice emcee, old school, so when Em gives him a beat with some soul, he comes through. 'Don’t Come Down' employs that classic Wu trick of speeding up an old soul sample a little to achieve that classic instant tragedy effect. Obie spits eloquently about his mother. It's very good. 'Follow My Life' is a decent life narrative (the "big lips/popped out the placenta" bit's hilarious). 'Never Forget Ya' is another skilfully rendered tear jerker, Em again, and it’s mad lush, and lyrically on point also. Obie uses the chorus to shout out his peeps individually. It’s weird, a kind of, 'bye, I'm off to the big time now, but I wont forget you'. It's sad, but good sad.

'Oh', blessed with a brilliant Glitter-esque chorus courtesy of Busta Rhymes is the albums greatest moment, and Obie strongest: "Yeah, Obie Trice, real name no gimmicks/ I came in the game, profane no image/ I came in the game, with a name/ I was given from a man who ain't give a fuck about his children..." When Obie talks straight, when he's honest, he's fantastic.

But most of the time he's doing what Eminem says. 'Outro', ANOTHER crappy Eminem beat, ANOTHER crappy Eminem hook, ANOTHER take on that same fuckin' flow… AND HE'S STILL GOING ON ABOUT JA RULE!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP! JESUS!

I mean, listen to the poor confused multi millionaire:

"You will ask youself, how come your mans/ didn't enter that last round that he had in/ Curtis Jackson's ass while he had the chance/ You keep askin' us to keep it on wax but we can't/ This is past any irrationalization/ We have captured national media attention/ Conversation is senseless, you can sense the tension start building/ soon as we enter the '106th & Park' building/ Someone's gonna get killed and I swear to God/ if someone so much as even touches one of my people/ I'll put a million on his head/ And you ain't got the funds to match or counteract it..."

Dude! It's OBIE'S ALBUM! YOU PIG! YOU PISSED ALL OVER IT YOU CRAZY EGO MANIAC!!!!!!!

You know what the last thing you hear on Obie Trice's debut album, the thing he worked his whole life towards, IS?

Bizarre. That useless fat fuck from D12, the one that CAN'T RAP... not spitting, sort of mumbling, slowly, the following horrorful couplets:

There you go. It's crazed - Eminem plucked this young man from the ghetto, handed him an assured career on a plate... but fucking ruined his album. Ruined it.

Hence the title, one supposes. Cheers.